"Give me liberty, or give me death."

Liberty.

This word has been on my mind for several weeks now. Following my introduction to Mr. Thoreau I realized that while this word had the power to evoke strong emotions in me I didn't have the ability to convey this concept to anyone. I had gone on to re-read the Declaration of Independence and at that point took it to heart that it was not only within my abilities but felt a deep responsibility to understand the concepts that drove the founders of our nation to their greatest cause - liberty.

"My country 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty."
~ Samuel Francis Smith

I like to imagine that at some point in our history this might have been true. Perhaps in the beginning when those who had been driven to take arms and put their lives on the line in pursuit of this ideal were still alive this concept may have lived in the hearts of those that governed. It seems that the depth of understanding has all but dissipated in the hearts of the governed now. I wonder who of all the people I meet each day can define the term liberty - even for themselves. I wonder which of them would be willing to put themselves on the line to defend it in truth.

I know that even in the beginning there were few who actually took up arms for the cause. Most people did what people do. They put their heads down and waited to align themselves with the victor. I walk among them daily knowing that at the sound of our anthem they will place their hands upon their hearts, they will say that they are proud to be Americans, they will wave their flags and sing along to the songbook of our heartland. They will not however open their eyes to the slow deterioration of their rights in any way that might halt the erosion.

I have to ask myself - how am I any different? I have these thoughts in my head. I don't ascribe these thoughts to those who walk seemingly blind through their days, but at the end of the day I know in my heart having these thoughts make me more guilty than any who do not.

"To know what is right and not to do it is the worst cowardice."
~ Confucious

Patrick Henry's speech from which the famous quote, "Give me liberty, or give me death," is credited with inspiring even those to whom we associate the love of liberty - the likes of George Washington and Thomas Jefferson were in attendance as he spoke those words aloud publicly. I wonder what all of them would say were they to see the form that our government has now taken. I wonder what we have now by comparison, and what level of dissatisfaction is necessary before death is preferred to a lack of liberty. I wonder at the strength of this ideal for those who did not have it - to drive them to such lengths to attain it. I wonder at those who would chip away at the heart of what made this nation great, and how we as a people continue to turn a blind eye. I wonder at my place in this world, and what I can do to relieve this feeling that I am not living up to my responsibility to defend at the very least my own personal liberty.

I will be expanding on these thoughts more in future posts. This subject deserves some sincere meditation. Thinking about the ideal of liberty, it's cost and preservation have driven me to distraction lately. I know that I need to explore and expand my own depth of understanding, and a single post will not do this.

For now I'll leave with this quote that I have been pondering:

"I would rather be exposed to the inconveniences attending too much liberty than to those attending too small a degree of it."
~ Thomas Jefferson

A Step Forward

So...

After cycling wildly for some time now between three options for the house, refinancing, selling, and bankruptcy, I've finally made a definitive step forward. Thanks to Brandie.

Refinancing had the potential of rolling all of the bills into the mortgage. If we could take out the equity into the house we could get out from under our debt. Then we were considering whether to attempt a sale after that or rent the property. The problem with renting the property is that we probably couldn't do it for the amount of the mortgage payment which would have left us in the hole every month. With the country on the brink of recession we were of course faced with a potential future foreclosure, ending up upside down on the value, and eventually the possibilty of having to file for bankruptcy anyway. I did, however, put a foot forward in that direction several weeks ago. I called up, Joey, who had managed our first mortgage on the house when we purchased it. Unfortunately he came back a few days ago telling me that he believed they "might" be able to get an interest rate more than a full point lower than what we have at the moment, "if" they could squeak our credit past the underwriter, but there was no chance of taking out the equity in our property to pay off the bills.

Selling right now seems an overwhelming prospect. The house market looks grim. I'm not seeing the rampant "For Sale" signs that were as abundant as dandelions a year ago. I feel now like all those people had there finger on a pulse I was unaware of. The upside is that the comparative home sales in our area run about 50K more than what we owe on the house. At that rate, if we were ABLE to sell it, we would have enough money to pay off the bills and the possibility of a little left over.

Bankruptcy has been on my mind a lot lately. For all it's pitfalls it sounds like a loop-hole in the machine. I can only imagine that it exists because of the rate of recidivism. People get out from under their bills and immediately start accruing them anew. I know that at this point in my life that wouldn't be the case. I'm done with plastic. I'm done with unsecured loans. I'm really done with the secured ones as well - aside from property. As far as the damage to my credit? Well - I figure that really only matters if I'm concerned about my place and status inside the machine. I have friends who have been offering assistance in this area, and have made it clear that you don't need a lawyer to get it done. This sounded hopeful - kind of like an open door to walk through. The easy way out.

I've never been much for the easy way out. It may be a short-coming, but I am who I am. Bankruptcy? Backburner. Last option when all others are exhausted.

With the new information on the refinance I know that it really isn't an option. I just have to maintain involvement in the process because my mortgage guy is running interference with my creditors at the moment.

Yesterday Brandie and I had a long, honest, and explicit conversation relating to our dreams for an intentional community, on getting living arrangements secured, and on getting the farm to a productive state. We've both been dreaming wistfully for some time now, and we both know that this will work if we can just find a way to pool our resources. We talked about the fears that were holding us back. We talked about the dreams that were pushing us forward. We talked possibilities. We talked practical matters.

Suddenly this became a solid and palpable thing. With the chasm in front of us we held hands and each stretched our faith a little bit. We haven't made the leap yet. We haven't thrown ourselves into the grand canyon of uncertainty. But our feet are out there hovering now.

"You've got to sell the house," she said.
"I know," I replied. "Give me the contact information for your realtor friend and I'll start now."

A gust of wind blew through my mind and light spilled through the dislodged cobwebs from the direction of the door. I emailed the realtor and she responded with a request for the property address. A step in the right direction.

We talked about living arrangements on the farm. The potential for moving their motor home back onto the property as a temporary fix for my family. We talked about my vehicle - my beloved Jeep - and she pointed out the fact that the gas for commuting was going to kill me. I told her I've been stalking Geo Metros on craigslist for some time now. Once we are out from under the mortgage that won't be an obstacle.

All these things had been hanging in the air for months - the trust and friendship between us building to a point where we could say them out loud. I can quite suddenly feel her strong hands helping me dislodge this heavy weight on my shoulders. I've been carrying it for so long I had forgotten how tall I can feel without it.

As if the universe were in complete agreement with these steps the day wore on with new developments. I received an email from work that they are selling several of the courier vehicles at work in a couple of weeks. Toyota Corollas. They have more than 200K miles on them, but they have impeccable maintenance records, and they are selling them for around $500. I put my name in for one. If they have too much interest there will be a sealed bid. We'll see what happens.

Then last night the frame for a yurt was delivered to my house. A friend that owed us money from several years ago was going to sell it in order to pay us back. We told her that instead we would take it in exchange for the debt, which we had actually written off ages ago. This was at least six months ago.

In the midst of considering the options for our future domicile - the frame for a nomadic home shows up in my driveway. Another affirmation that we are stepping in the right direction. The feeling for me that the chasm only appears deep and dark, and that all of the resources that we will need are waiting at the bottom if we will but let ourselves fall into the waiting arms of our future.

Still, I have to come up with the expendable income to purchase the vehicle, and assemble the yurt and come up with a skin and a floor for it. I have to stay on top of the realtor business, and get my house together to sell. And then comes the part about putting our life back in boxes - something we didn't think we were ever going to do again when we bought this place.

But I can feel the forward movement. I can feel the breeze from the door and the light is getting brighter.

There is so much relief on the horizon.