I'm not sure if the dream is in my head - or if the dream is beyond the door. It is incredibly detailed, and yet hazy in my mind. The details exist in a construct with fuzzy edges and filled with uncertainty. I figure there is no time like the present to figure out exactly what I do know about the dream - about what I think is beyond that door.I know that I don't want to live my life in a box (aka office). I miss the sunshine and the sweet air outside the city. When the sun is shining it takes everything I have to push past the door to the building I work in. I have no windows in there. There are only a few in the entire building. It's a converted warehouse.
I know that I want to continue being productive - perhaps be even MORE productive. It's not that I don't want to work. It's that I want my work to have meaning. This doesn't mean it has to be on a grand scale of making the world a better place, although I believe that somehow it will. It means that when you plant the garden you know that the purpose it serves is to feed your family. When you shear a goat - it is so you can spin the fiber and knit a hat that will keep a loved one's head warm. When you are hauling hay to the sheep it is to fatten them up to fill the freezer. When you are digging the hole for the new cistern you are working towards improving the quality of life for those using it.
True that writing is my passion, and has not necessarily been all that productive. It is work that feeds my soul though - like sunshine and air. My hope is that someday it will be an asset to me. Until then I will keep doing it regardless.
This post feels a little hazy and ill-defined to me. There are snippets that I can convey, but the big picture is a difficult one to tune in sharply.
When asked I used to say that my dream was to move to the mountains, build an earthship, raise milk goats to produce gourmet goat cheese, and write books. This still isn't that far off from the truth. As life progresses though, I meet new people, learn new things, see new ways of existing and these all incorporate.
Right now - and I suppose this could change - but right now...
My thoughts have been turned towards intentional communities. Life becomes easier when you pool the assets of the group to accomplish a common goal. This is - in my mind - another expression of communal living. I've seen it work on a small scale at Burning Man. I've seen it working in a different aspect out at the ranch. There are two families there that work together to keep that place going - to create a different life. Still - they are working hard and the progress is slow. Spending time out there and working beside them has given me a taste of possibility mixed with the bitterness of reality. They are all still working jobs in the real world. They are all still fighting to make ends meet. What seems different is that at the end of a day of shoveling, or shearing, or butchering, the feeling in your soul is that you have made progress - that you have taken care of you and yours in a frame of reference that most people just don't experience anymore.
My dream starts to clarify a little more as I write.
I know that I want to own some land outright. Not necessarily on my own - but barring other options I would settle for that. I would prefer to own it as a group - perhaps in a coop capacity. One of my deeply held beliefs is that as long as there is still a mortgage hanging about the machine still has it's hooks in you. I don't want to be in debt to the machine anymore.
I know that I want to produce all of my own food. I was a vegetarian for a year when I realized that I shouldn't be eating anything I wasn't willing to look in the eye. This isn't anything that I apply to anyone else, although as an experience in connection to your own life and well-being, I highly recommend it. Spending time at the ranch have given me the opportunity to connect in this way. I want to feel the land and understand it. I want to have a relationship with it. I want to feed it and care for it and in turn have it feed my family.
I want to get off the grid. Part of this is yet another separation from the machine. Part of it is an act of conservation and sustainability. I want to know that my power and water needs are not dependent on the machine. I want to know that my power and water needs are working in harmony with the natural world around me. I want to exist in a place in my own mind where I appreciate every day where the power and the water come from. I want to be connected to it.
I want to spend my days working beside my loved ones. I want to see the happy face of my husband as we accomplish the tasks that will take us to the next season, to the next year. I want my children to feel the earth between their toes, and I want them to go to bed tired after working hard, and to feel good about themselves, their abilities, and their accomplishments. I want them to know that their work directly impacts the well-being of their family. I want them to have the confidence that comes with those things.
All of these things seem pretty conceptual to me. It is a vague construct of a life I hope to be living sometime in the foreseeable future. Flushing out these ideas into a workable and livable reality is going to be quite a task. For now, the dream will just have to live inside of me. For now, I must attend to the practical matters that will eventually get me there. For now, I'll have to settle for the smaller scale dreams I think I can accomplish - things I can do in the city. Start composting. Buy angora rabbits to harvest their fiber. Grow potatoes in the giant pots that have gone unused since my ficus trees died several years ago. Start getting rid of "stuff".
Oh, and did I forget? SELL THE HOUSE!
It figures that the minute I finished writing the last post my mortgage guy called me back. He needed a little more information. He is working on the refinance that would pay off my bills. My concern is that a new mortgage deal might require me to stay in the house for another two to three years. I already know that my answer at that point is a definitive no. I'm not tying up any more of my time or money in this endeavor than I absolutely have to. I guess we'll see.
Afterthought
My horoscope for today made me laugh:
"It may feel as if you are being split in two as home issues pull you one way and the Moon-Saturn conjunction in your 10th House of Career lures you the other way. Even with this heightened emotional tension, you still have the ability to know what needs to be done and you can do it. Don't waste time dreaming about a better life; make it happen now."
(By Rick Levine)
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